I make up things that I would never say. I say them very quietly.

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 04:40:33 GMT

i want to make a new lj. a clean start for secrets. I have been using this one since the summer before freshman year of college, and given the extent that i have changed in that period, i feel as though i have outgrown appyella.

i loved you while you lasted. take care chicadee.

you can follow me again at: apryllelynn. i hope to see you there.

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 17:17:57 GMT

i think i'm dying my hair blonde.
the only thing i'm looking forward to right now is being on rick and eve's new boat.
thats it.

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 06:27:22 GMT

i didn't take my meds today because i forgot and then slept all day.
called nick tonight and bothered him.
definitely going back on them tomorrow.
definitely keeping the dosage upped to 30mg.

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 23:33:58 GMT

my mom laughed today when i told her i was seeing michael tomorrow because of history.
he has baby bunnies he saved and he called me as soon as he saved them.
i also sort of miss the kid.
calm down people.

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 05:38:58 GMT

i am so fucking sad right now.
so so so so so fucking sad.

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 05:06:19 GMT

DRUNK!

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 19:46:07 GMT

went to the beach with nick a few nights ago.
we talk.
he tells me it's over.
i get sad, but i know it is.
i tell him the story of us on the way home.
he tells me how he is going ask me out again someday and he has the perfect way to do it.
which means he wants to fuck other people.
which is cool because i made out with someone the day before.

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 21:09:39 GMT

there is just one reason why i keep crossing my fingers and praying for September.
come home sooner.

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 07:30:42 GMT

i want to take you to the boston science museum and hold your hand.
then take you to my favorite spot on the harbor and dangle our feet over the ocean.
then i'll take you to the gardens where you will pick me a flower and put it behind my ear.

and i want us to be happy like people should be.

ahhaha. idealism.

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 07:26:37 GMT

nothing is as true as this quote, which is from a poem, which i forget the name of but can easily be yahooed (and it's worth doing if i remember correctly.)

It doesn't matter what came to pass,
Only that it passed, because we repeat
Ourselves, we repeat ourselves.

and maybe this doesn't hold true for others, but it does immensely for me.
we are creatures of habit, and while i change little things, the bigger aspect of me never really reformulates.

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 05:07:24 GMT

i want him back.
i want to be happy and lay in bed and laugh like we used to over stupid shit.
and watch him play fable two.
and make food with him.
and go sailing.
and play wiffleball.
and smoke cigs and get drunk and talk real quiet.

why can't you just show me that you care about me?
why can't you just simply care about me?
i'm so stuck and confused and i don't know what's right or what to do.

he's the only thing that makes me not zombied out.
the only thing that truly makes me feel real and complete.
i just wish i could make him feel the same way and that he would convey it to me.

i don't even remember what it feels like to have someone hold you and tell you how important you are to them and how much they need you.

i really do forget.

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 14:04:58 GMT

i broke up with nick.
my last selfless act in our relationship.

it's not that i want it to be over, not even a little.
it's that he doesn't want to be with me and i can't be patient anymore.

this uncertainty has been looming in the air since november and the only way in which our relationship has progress is sexually.

so, i left it at a "i'm not calling you are texting you anymore." "you come find me when you are ready."
maybe he will, maybe he won't.

and that's that I guess.

now i have to go get ready to start my new busy life.
working 7 days a week- doubles on the weekends and thursdays.
3 jobs and i still manage to be happy and have a life.

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 18:06:42 GMT

i can not live without you.
and all your crying proves you are scared to live without me.
so what are we doing?
let's just be together and be happy.

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 16:30:42 GMT

i need to learn how to be selfish too.

Nothing Gets Crossed Out:

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 03:47:59 GMT

At some point, I think everyone finally realizes that there is something better waiting for them. These types of realizations happen at many different stages of life and concern many different aspects of daily and long term necessities.

But what happens when you have a lack of these moments? When you compile your life as a series of pictures in your head and you know you may not entirely be satisfied, but you hold back from achieving what it is you want. This can be a result of many things going on inside the person, but typically these actions circle around some sort of fear.

At the moment I'm produced with a problem. I have only, ever really loved two people in my life. One wouldn't settle for me, and part of me doesn't blame him given my state at the time of our affair. The other I am settling for even though I know he cannot be what I need him to be towards me.

Both of these events are compelling and troubling and I'm only not sure what to do now because I really don't have trust in love at all. I may have never been able to posses that kind of trust anyways because I love with all or nothing and I don't agree with people who don't do the same. Really, really, really don't agree with them.

Some of the few things I want are: dates, parties, movie nights at home on the couch, stargazing in my park, my bed becoming our bed, my room becoming our room, mutual friends, sharing a shake with two straws, balloons, hand held walks, random dancing, playing pretend, inside jokes, drinking beers, fires, making dinner and breakfast and saving room for dessert of all kinds, water fights, pillow fights, food fights, laying in the grass to watch fireflies and talk, making music, doses of pda, daises, stories, playing fun sports, watching fun sports, taking trips, making plans, picnics, discovering new places, the beach often, poems, honesty, laughter, reasons to trust you, reasons to let you trust me, inspiration and to be inspiring, to have fun but also be serious, and last and definitely most important: to cuddle every night.

I know it's a long list, but it's pretty simple based on the fact that it is completely immature. It's the oozy kind of love that only occurs with the right lighting and the right lines and people who look good together, but it's what I want.

And ever since I can remember, it's the only goal I've ever had and stuck with.
That being said, I don't know how much longer I can do this, "I'm not in love with you..." junk.

I need to feel warmth on all sides.

This song is definitely my favorite right now. It's entirely relatable.

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 03:30:03 GMT

it's funny how other peoples memories can creep up on you.

today, driving with Liz through glastonbury, I caught a glimpse of a man drinking a beverage on the back of his pick up truck. he was all alone, just sitting there on the tail end of his truck. i didn't even have to wonder how he felt, because i thought about my dad and how i knew when he did those sorts of things he was lonely.

so i told Liz about it, how my dad had basically always lived showered in loneliness that he didn't want. both of his loves left him, but bore him children. he never really knew me, i was always kept away from him like a secret that he couldn't handle. my half brother hunter was very much a part of his life.

but, i just got extremely overwhelmed by this thought. that he was an almost 50 year old man who had been lonely his whole life. that he was sad all those years.

and it made me really sad to realize it took me this long to figure out that my father will most likely die alone. he will be the old man who comes into my restaurant requesting a table for one, not because he is on a business trip or visiting family or his wife is sick in a nursing home near by, because he is alone.

because he is that man sitting on the back of the pick up truck, swinging his legs, watching the people as he sips his milkshake to the very last drop.

and it made me wish i'd been a better daughter. it probably doesn't matter that i love my dad more than anything or that i would do anything for him, because our lives have never been lived together.

i think i should break my mothers rules and go visit him in jail someday soon. i miss him. it feels like he doesn't even exist anymore.

Thu, 28 May 2009 03:55:37 GMT

i'm confused.
I spent 5.5 hours making nick baklava.
i got drunk off one beer.

now i just want him to love me, but he hates me and i think he might be taking advantage of the fact that i love him.

for example, everyone I know who is in a relationship is in love, except us.
even bethny and chris are in love and they haven't really been dating as long as us.
so, what the fuck.
maybe i can't do this. to be with him i need him to love me and he can't, so what do i do?

Sun, 24 May 2009 04:08:10 GMT

Someone kill me now.
I guess I'm not the best girlfriend ever.

Guess. Not.
Wow.

He essentially cheated on me in the worst way possible.

Thu, 21 May 2009 02:26:15 GMT

i think this lack of sleep, except for when i fell into your bed today and snoozed for like an hour, is really fucking getting to me.
i'm really upset and i've been nauseous all day.
what do i do?!

Thu, 21 May 2009 02:04:24 GMT

also, i still haven't slept.

Wrong:

Thu, 21 May 2009 02:03:31 GMT

i feel as though i'm disappointing you.
that i'm not the girl friend you wish i was.
that i'm doing something completely wrong and i have no idea what it is.
and you don't intend to tell me.

i'm dead set in love with you.
why aren't you in love with me?
and why can i still not trust you
even though i push and try.

Something is not right.

I'm a dick, I'm addicted to you...

Tue, 19 May 2009 06:36:57 GMT

I now understand why my mother has always told me I have an addictive personality.
It is almost 3 AM. Yesterday I couldn't sleep and I didn't get why. I was exhausted from NH all weekend, and swollen and sore. It didn't make sense. I should have passed out the moment I hit the pillow, like I had been doing in his bed before I left that night.
Well, tonight I also can't sleep.
But today, I easily passed out in his bed.
I used to think my bed was so superior to his and to most. I always told everyone how I had the most comfortable bed ever.
I seriously might resort to pulling my futon out and attempting that. He has a futon so it would be similar. Maybe that would work. Or maybe it's not the bed I need.

All I know is laying in this bed, a bed I once held above all others, I am having the worst fucking anxiety ever and will never sleep this way.

Drunk conversations with my boyfriend in NH by the fire drinking blueberry wheat and smoking 27's.

Mon, 18 May 2009 05:56:08 GMT

"I want to cut off all my hair."
"No."
"Yeah, I know you wont let me. So that's why I'm just gonna wait until you break up with me, and then do it."
*Laughter*
"What?! What's so funny?!"
"You think we are going to break up."

Totally perfect.
And probably the only thing I really remember of this past weekend.
That and Sea Dog's Blueberry Wheat is my new favorite beer.
Thank you Alex Mojcher.

Thu, 14 May 2009 16:05:18 GMT

MEGAN FOX IS BI.
TODAY IS A DAMN GOOD DAY IN APRYLLE LAND.

Thu, 14 May 2009 03:28:39 GMT

oh my god.
i didn't think i could love someone this much.
not only that, but i didn't think it could grow every single day.